story help... is it okay?

arabianlvr87 · 05-05-2005, 01:49 PM

I want to send this in to the Arabian horse association for their horse of the month thing.
tell me what you thinkof what I wrote. I would really like for her to be picked now that we've made such a breakthrough.

Several years ago, I met Felicity EWA, a then 5 year old purebred Arabian mare. I remember first thinking how gorgeous she was. She just stood in her pasture, but I knew there was something special in her. I just KNEW it. My first ride on Felicity went less than perfect. I vividly remember eagerly sitting in that big western saddle, asking for a trot, and her taking off in the wet sand. For some reason I will never understand, I wanted her even more. She might have taken off with me, but I didn’t care. She was beautiful, and many people at my barn knew her. My trainer even trained her as a three year old, which I think is so cool.

My second ride was almost as bad as the first. I hoped up on her, happy as a clam. Again, I asked for a walk, and she was fine. A trot was another story. Her running off bucking with me still on her makes me laugh to this day, she has so much pizzazz, I never thought I horse of her tiny size could have so much attitude.

Our third ride scared for stiff for many years. She threw me off, and that shattered my confidence in her. I was younger and thought I was invincible. I wasn’t hurt, but I couldn’t believe that my stunning Arab, who I considered my baby, could possibly throw me off. I didn’t ride her for a long time. For many months, only my mom and trainer would ride this silly girl, while I sat back on my dead broke senior Arabian.

Days turned to weeks, weeks into months, and months into three years. Something in me told me she was better now. Something told me that things would be better. I had a strange gut feeling one day to ride her. And not with a saddle, mind you. I wanted to ride her bareback. My mother was terrified. She had a feeling this girl was going to do something bad and break my confidence once again. But no, it was the complete opposite. She was perfect. She didn’t act up at all. I was able to walk her, trot her, and even canter her bareback without her acting up for me. That ride assured me that things were better. Now, I hop on that crazy girl knowing she wouldn’t hurt me. This past weekend, I even took her to a hunter show, and we didn’t do half bad. We even won our under saddle equitation class!

Goodbye crazy stereotypical Arabian. Hello sweetness. My dreams, my hopes, my aspirations.

Emzalss@2580 · 05-05-2005, 01:56 PM

That's really good apart from a few mistakes etc.....
In the first line it would be better to write.... "Several years ago I met Felicity EWA,THEN, a 5 year old purebred Arabian mare" because yours doesn't quite make sense kinda thing.
As well in the second paragraph, the second line you say you "hoped up on her" it should be hopped, right?
Also i don't think "Our third ride scared for stiff for many years" doesn't make sense either, do you mean, "Our third ride scared me stiff for many years"
Apart from that it's great!

arabianlvr87 · 05-05-2005, 01:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emzalss@2580

That's really good apart from a few mistakes etc.....
In the first line it would be better to write.... "Several years ago I met Felicity EWA,THEN, a 5 year old purebred Arabian mare" because yours doesn't quite make sense kinda thing.
As well in the second paragraph, the second line you say you "hoped up on her" it should be hopped, right?
Also i don't think "Our third ride scared for stiff for many years" doesn't make sense either, do you mean, "Our third ride scared me stiff for many years"
Apart from that it's great!

O right! DUH!
Thanks

arabianlvr87 · 05-06-2005, 12:59 PM

BUMP!

Come on people. I really do need some help on this.

arabianlvr87 · 05-06-2005, 01:41 PM

Do y'all just really not care? This is important to me. I really need to know the highs and lows in it.

CJ · 05-06-2005, 03:42 PM

Its really not bad....

Wounded · 05-06-2005, 03:43 PM

First Paragraph

Several years ago, I met Felicity EWA, then, a 5 year old purebred Arabian mare.

I remember eagerly sitting in that big western saddle as if it were yesterday. As I asked her for a trot she took off in the wet sand and for some reason that I will never understand; I wanted her even more.

My trainer even trained her as a three year old, which I thought was so cool.

Second Paragraph

I hopped up on her; happy and composed.

Again I asked for a walk, and she was fine. However, troting was another story. She ran off with me bucking wildly, which still makes me laugh to this day.

She had so much pizzazz. I never thought I horse of her tiny size could have so much attitude.

Third Paragraph

Our third ride scared me stiff for many years.

My confidence was shattered, when she threw me off.
I was younger and thought I was invincible. (this makes NO sense, what are you trying to prove?)

After that I did not ride her for a long time.

For many months only my mom and trainer would ride this crazy girl, while I sat back on my bomb proof senior Arabian.

Fourth Paragraph

Days turned to weeks, weeks into months, and months into three years.

I had this strange gut feeling to ride her one day.

I even wanted to ride her bareback, which terrified my mother.

She had a feeling that I was going to do something bad to break my confidence once again.

Fortunately, it was the complete opposite.

I was able to walk, trot, and even canter her bareback without her acting up with me.

Now, I can hop on that crazy girl without a fear in the world. I know that she will never hurt me.

This past weekend I even took her to a hunter show, and we did out best. We even won the hunter under saddle equitation class!

(I just pointed out problemed areas. If I didn't include it in the revision than I didnt see anything wrong with it)

-----------------------------------------------

REMEMBER: No contractions and no comma splices. If you are using a comma it is to list things. If need be use with a transition word (i.e. and, so, because, however, therfore, which... ect)

arabianlvr87 · 05-07-2005, 12:08 PM

I thought I was young and invincible- I wrote that to show that I thought I couldn't be hurt, that nothing bad could possibly happen. (which isn't true)

05-05-2005, 01:49 PM	#1
arabianlvr87 Senior Member+ Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 8,567 Images: 294 Blog Entries: 158	story help... is it okay? I want to send this in to the Arabian horse association for their horse of the month thing. tell me what you thinkof what I wrote. I would really like for her to be picked now that we've made such a breakthrough. Several years ago, I met Felicity EWA, a then 5 year old purebred Arabian mare. I remember first thinking how gorgeous she was. She just stood in her pasture, but I knew there was something special in her. I just KNEW it. My first ride on Felicity went less than perfect. I vividly remember eagerly sitting in that big western saddle, asking for a trot, and her taking off in the wet sand. For some reason I will never understand, I wanted her even more. She might have taken off with me, but I didn’t care. She was beautiful, and many people at my barn knew her. My trainer even trained her as a three year old, which I think is so cool. My second ride was almost as bad as the first. I hoped up on her, happy as a clam. Again, I asked for a walk, and she was fine. A trot was another story. Her running off bucking with me still on her makes me laugh to this day, she has so much pizzazz, I never thought I horse of her tiny size could have so much attitude. Our third ride scared for stiff for many years. She threw me off, and that shattered my confidence in her. I was younger and thought I was invincible. I wasn’t hurt, but I couldn’t believe that my stunning Arab, who I considered my baby, could possibly throw me off. I didn’t ride her for a long time. For many months, only my mom and trainer would ride this silly girl, while I sat back on my dead broke senior Arabian. Days turned to weeks, weeks into months, and months into three years. Something in me told me she was better now. Something told me that things would be better. I had a strange gut feeling one day to ride her. And not with a saddle, mind you. I wanted to ride her bareback. My mother was terrified. She had a feeling this girl was going to do something bad and break my confidence once again. But no, it was the complete opposite. She was perfect. She didn’t act up at all. I was able to walk her, trot her, and even canter her bareback without her acting up for me. That ride assured me that things were better. Now, I hop on that crazy girl knowing she wouldn’t hurt me. This past weekend, I even took her to a hunter show, and we didn’t do half bad. We even won our under saddle equitation class! Goodbye crazy stereotypical Arabian. Hello sweetness. My dreams, my hopes, my aspirations.

05-05-2005, 01:56 PM	#2
Emzalss@2580 Senior Member+ Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: England Posts: 634 Images: 73 Blog Entries: 4	That's really good apart from a few mistakes etc..... In the first line it would be better to write.... "Several years ago I met Felicity EWA,THEN, a 5 year old purebred Arabian mare" because yours doesn't quite make sense kinda thing. As well in the second paragraph, the second line you say you "hoped up on her" it should be hopped, right? Also i don't think "Our third ride scared for stiff for many years" doesn't make sense either, do you mean, "Our third ride scared me stiff for many years" Apart from that it's great! __________________ Be careful who's advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it.

05-06-2005, 03:42 PM	#6
CJ Senior Member+ Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: NJ Posts: 5,753 Images: 48	Its really not bad.... __________________ One Mare Can Make a Difference Pinky Ribbon

05-06-2005, 03:43 PM	#7
Wounded Senior Member+ Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Canada Posts: 649 Images: 22	First Paragraph Several years ago, I met Felicity EWA, then, a 5 year old purebred Arabian mare. I remember eagerly sitting in that big western saddle as if it were yesterday. As I asked her for a trot she took off in the wet sand and for some reason that I will never understand; I wanted her even more. My trainer even trained her as a three year old, which I thought was so cool. Second Paragraph I hopped up on her; happy and composed. Again I asked for a walk, and she was fine. However, troting was another story. She ran off with me bucking wildly, which still makes me laugh to this day. She had so much pizzazz. I never thought I horse of her tiny size could have so much attitude. Third Paragraph Our third ride scared me stiff for many years. My confidence was shattered, when she threw me off. I was younger and thought I was invincible. (this makes NO sense, what are you trying to prove?) After that I did not ride her for a long time. For many months only my mom and trainer would ride this crazy girl, while I sat back on my bomb proof senior Arabian. Fourth Paragraph Days turned to weeks, weeks into months, and months into three years. I had this strange gut feeling to ride her one day. I even wanted to ride her bareback, which terrified my mother. She had a feeling that I was going to do something bad to break my confidence once again. Fortunately, it was the complete opposite. I was able to walk, trot, and even canter her bareback without her acting up with me. Now, I can hop on that crazy girl without a fear in the world. I know that she will never hurt me. This past weekend I even took her to a hunter show, and we did out best. We even won the hunter under saddle equitation class! (I just pointed out problemed areas. If I didn't include it in the revision than I didnt see anything wrong with it) ----------------------------------------------- REMEMBER: No contractions and no comma splices. If you are using a comma it is to list things. If need be use with a transition word (i.e. and, so, because, however, therfore, which... ect) __________________ Bambi.

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05-06-2005, 12:59 PM	#4
arabianlvr87 Senior Member+ Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 8,567 Images: 294 Blog Entries: 158	BUMP! Come on people. I really do need some help on this.

05-06-2005, 01:41 PM	#5
arabianlvr87 Senior Member+ Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 8,567 Images: 294 Blog Entries: 158	Do y'all just really not care? This is important to me. I really need to know the highs and lows in it.

05-07-2005, 12:08 PM	#8
arabianlvr87 Senior Member+ Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 8,567 Images: 294 Blog Entries: 158	I thought I was young and invincible- I wrote that to show that I thought I couldn't be hurt, that nothing bad could possibly happen. (which isn't true)