Ten Ways To Get In Shape To Own A Horse
You Know You're A Horse Person When...
- Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away. Shout "Get off,stupid! Get off!"
- Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "Relaxing into the fall". Roll lithely into a ball, and spring to your feet!
- Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse/pocket and write out a $200. check without even looking down.
- Jog long distances carrying a halter and holding out a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you're doing.They might as well know now.
- Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling it to a halt. And smile as if you are really having fun.
- 6. Hone your fibbing skills. "See hon, moving hay bales is fun!" and " I'm glad your lucky performance and multi-million dollar horse won you first place - I'm just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place".
- Practice dialing your chiropractors number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder, and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.
- Borrow the US Army slogan; "Be all that you can be'...(add) bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled."
- Lie face down in the mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself: "This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience,..."
- Marry Money!
...your horse gets new shoes more often than you do.
…your mouth waters at the sight of a truck full of hay.
...every time you drive past a road construction sight you think what nice jumps the barricades would make.
...you consider a golf course as a waste of good pasture land.
...your friends no longer ask to get together after school/work or on a weekend because they know you'll say, "I can't, I have to ride."
...you pull a $17,000 horse trailer with a $1,000 pick-up truck.
...you buy duct tape by the case, and carry rolls in your pocketbook, briefcase, backpack, and car trunk.
...you realize finding a horse shoe is truly lucky because you've saved ten bucks.
...your boyfriend complains that you love your horse more than you love him and you say: "And your point is..?"
...someone does something nice for you and you pat them on the neck and say 'good boy'.
...you try to get by someone is a restricted space and instead of saying "excuse me" to him/her, you cluck at them instead.
...you show up for an appointment in your city clothes and when you get there people reach across the table to pick alfalfa out of your hair.
...no one wants to ride in your car because they'll get sweet feed and hay in their socks and on their clothes...but that's ok because you'll have to rearrange all the tack to make room for them anyway!
...you look at all the piles of laundry sitting next to your washing machine and most of them are breeches, horse blankets, saddle pads, etc.... but you don't even care about the horsey hair residue that will be left in your washer and dryer.
...you say "whoa" to the dog.
...your mother, who has no grandchildren, gets cards addressed to Grandma, signed by the horses and dogs.
...you see the vet more than your child's pediatrician.
...you groom your horse daily for hours and you haven't seen a beautician since...?
...someone asks for a screwdriver and you hand them a hoof pick.
...you clean tack after every ride but you never, ever, wash the truck.
...on rainy days, you organize the tack room, not the house.
...you can remember worming schedules, lessons, and farrier visits in your head, but often forget your class schedule, household chores, and meals.
...you are unreasonably pleased to get a horse item, ANY horse item, as a gift.
...you stop channel surfing at Budweiser Clydesdale commercials.
...books and movies are ruined for you if horsemanship references aren't correct.
...you actually get to a point where flies don't bother you that much anymore.
A HORSE WIFE IS:
A sentimental fool! She displays a minimum of 6 8x10 color photos of her horse, and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (taken before you were married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse! Easy to locate! She's either out on the horse or in the barn! Upholds the double standard! Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but recoils when you need a shave! Owns but one vacuum cleaner and operates it exclusively in the barn! A social butterfly! Providing the party is given by another horsy wife! Falls asleep in her soup at all other functions! Economy minded! Won't waste money on permanents, facials or manicures! A culinary perfectionist! Checks every section of hay for mold but doesn’t blink when she petrifies your dinner in the microwave! Occasionally amorous. But never leaves lipstick on your collar! At worst a slight trace of chapstick! Easy to outfit! No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little boutiques! You can find all she wears at your local tack store. Features a selective sense of smell! Bitterly complains about your sticky sweet cigar smoke while remaining totally oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater! Unmistakable in bathing suits! She's the one whose tan starts at the nose, ends at the neck, and picks up again at the wrist! A dedicated clubwoman as long as the words "horse" and/or "riding" appear in its name! Has your leisure at heart! Eliminates grass cutting by turning every square inch of lawn into pasture (which, in turn, converts itself into MUD)! A master at multiplication! She starts with one horse, ads a companion, and if it's a mare she breeds it! Keeps an eagle eye on the budget! Easily justifies spending hundreds of dollars but croaks when you spend $10 for a tie! An engaging conversationalist! Can rattle on endlessly about training and the pros and cons of castration! Socially aware! Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots! A moving force in the family! House by house, she will get you to move closer and closer to horse country (and farther from your job)! Easy to please! A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof-pick will win her heart forever! Shows her affection in unusual ways! If she pats you on the neck and says, "You're a good boy”. Believe it or notice loves you! There is no secret so close as that between a rider and her horse.
Event Prospect = Big Fast Horse
Dressage Prospect = Big Slow Horse
Hack Prospect = Pretty Color
Sporting Prospect = Short Fast Horse
Camp Prospect = Fast Horse which can turn
Endurance Prospect = Fast Horse which will turn sometimes
Flashy = White Socks
Attractive = Bay
15.2hh = 14.3hhh
16.2hh = 15.3hh
To Loving Home = Only Expensive
To Show Home Only = Very Expensive
Needs Experienced Rider = Potentially Lethal
Elegant = Thin
In Good Condition = Foundered
Free Moving = Bolts
Quiet = Lame in Both Front Legs
Dead Quiet = Lame in All Four Legs
Good in Traffic (Bombproof) = Lame all Round, Deaf and Blind
Loves Children = Kicks and Bites
Pony Type = Small and Hairy
Arab Type = Looks startled
TB Type = Looks Terrified
Quarter Horse Type = Fat
Warmblood Type = Big and Hairy
Draught Type = Big and Exceedingly Hairy
Easy to Catch = Very Old
Must Sell = Wife has left home and taking kids
All Offers Considered = I am in Traction for 6 months
Reluctant = Sale Comes with Title Deeds to Sydney Harbor Bridge