Used to be that when I was depressed I did nothing but sleep. I miss those days. Now I can't hardly sleep at all. I slept like sh*t last night...got up fairly early, fed horses, went to work, came back and tried to take a nap in the afternoon...no luck. Now it's 1:30am, I have a massive headache and am exhausted, but I cannot get to sleep. I've had NO caffeine at all today...nothing at all to really keep me awake. All day I've had a turkey sandwich, sprite, snack pack size peanut mix w/peanut butter chips and chocolate covered peanuts (this morning), a bowl of lentil soup w/crackers, a pb&j sandwich, and a Kahlua mudslide. I really don't think that the 2 small servings of chocolate that I had (peanuts and mudslide) could have that much effect on me. But I just lay here and it's frustrating.

I used to think that having my "I don't care/Oh well" attitude was beneficial. I didn't stress and handled most situations well. Now that I realize that it's a negative product of my life experience and not a postive one, I'm hating life. Something has gone seriously wrong recently and I've just lost nearly all ability for emotion. I can't even cry b/c I'm frustrated that I can sleep and my life is a mess. I don't even have any emotions about Marcus's upcoming deployment. I feel nothing...not good or bad and it sucks. Usually I at least go thru life w/a chipper demeanor, but this morning I crashed. I still don't feel anything specific....just dark and heavy. I feel better once again, but for a few hours this morning I just felt horrible.

You know what's sad...my therapist asked me to compare my life now to when I last remember being happy...I couldn't remember. I don't know of a single time in my life when I was in any extended period of happiness. Perhaps when my grandpa was alive...when I was 4 years old. I have moments, but I don't feel like I've ever been just happy. One wrong thought, word, phrase, memory, and I'm down for the count. But then I spring right back just as quickly as I fell which makes it difficult to cope with b/c I may be down for days or only minutes. Just when I'm thinking, "this is bad, I need help," I feel fine again. In fact, I feel fine for the majority of the time...but my brain is somehow detached from my body and what is really going on. I should be stressed out to the max, but I'm not...however my body is reacting to the stress, my brain just isn't. It's like somehow I've managed to block it or something. I don't know.

I have to wonder if everything in my life isn't a facade that I've developed to cope w/what is happening. I say I feel normal, but is my normal really normal or am I just convincing myself that I feel normal. Do I even know or remember what normal is. But b/c I know what it feels like to bottom out, anything better than that must feel close to normal now. I don't self-harm or do any other "typical" negative things associated w/depression. I go to class...most of the time. Got to work, socialize, laugh, have fun, enjoy life, and function as a normal person, but I'm not. I just don't understand it. Maybe drugs will help...but do I really want to feel my life again? Argh