Well I figured I should start writing a journal.
Pam (my trainer) is at a horse show and wont be back for a little while.
So yeah. I did some ground work with zoey yesterday. she is a really quick learner. Right now Im more interested in hanging out with my friends then going to see my horse so I worry Im losing interest in her or riding in general. I just so tired of riding horses and feeling like I look like **** all the time. Theres just no point in riding if I dont really have a whole lot of fun doing it. I just..ugh dont want to ride unless I have that classic horse and rider look which (at least zoey) I It just never happens. So eah Im thinking I might quit. I do sort omean this sound dumb but I like riding for a reason.. I like feeling like I can do this sport well. and I want to feel like I do look good and ride good but of course that will never happen.. But i have a dilema though. I want to get a car but cars are expensive. so is insurance. so then I would have to have a job to even lease a horse. . and I dont really want to lease a horse. I really rather own my own and be able to have the freedom tow work with my own horse. Im always afraid of messing up another horse or not doing asomething right and making the owners mad. so then I think well I should probably just quit. . Buty then its like. whats th point of having a car when I dont have a horse or barn to go to. Im just so sick fo riding though part of me wants to just mess around on the ground with horse. part of me wants to compeete.. But Im sure if I was gonna compete I probably wouldent do very good. I know doing good shouldent matter but it matters to me. I dont want to show if Im not gonna do good.part of me think I should just keep zoey and do some ground work with her for a few months . part of me wants zoey gone NOW..I know that sounds mean..but I dsont like feeling obligated to go to the barn everyday. I hope zoey doesent feel to unwanted. I love her but Im uder alot of stress right now. . then of course Pam wants me to lease this one jumper sctratch. he is supposed to be really good but eh.

And of course at scool I cant do anthing eith. My grades stink. even though I really do try at it. . I just feel like I suck at everything and there isent much of a point of me being around. I feel feel myself go into depresion again...