HGS is a very different place. I don't know it anymore. I'm not sure if it is because Hannah isn't here anymore, or if it is because I went away, or if it is because all of these changes confuse me and make it have a different face, but something has been lost; it's not the same anymore and I very much doubt it will ever be again.
I'm really not sure why I'm even writing in this blog. I don't think anyone remembers me on here. Which is OK. Blogging on here has always been kind of nice though. Even if no one reads it it feels like you're just getting what ever is currently on your mind out into cyber space. You're not mailing it in a letter for someone specific to be obligated to read, and you're not telling it to someone's face in rambling sentences that you know they really don't feel like hearing. You're just...writing, or talking, or what ever.
Things are very different right now. I feel lonely and uninspired, and guilty for never playing with Sunny anymore, yet I am totally undriven to do so. I know that I only have one more month left with her, and yet knowing this doesn't seem to help me at all. I feel uninspired with riding. Uninspired with photography. Uninspired with writing. I'm lonely and friendless, it seems. I met a number of fantastic people this summer and have actually become more of an outspoken, friendly person as a result, and I'm thankful for that - I've learned that there are lots of fun people to meet. But I'm still lonely and it feels like I'm friendless. I don't have a best friend right now, not even someone online to talk to at the end of the day and tell all of the things that happened throughout the day and someone just to waste time with talking about random things. I miss having someone to spend time with and tell everything to. I think, when we have this, we too often take it for granted.
Hannah, where ever you are, I miss you. You used to make me feel normal. Now I just feel as unnormal and as lonely and as friendless as ever.
I see many people existing and living their lives without that best friend to live it with and I wonder how they can do it. I've always wanted to be one of the independent types, but I know I'm not. I need that one person who wants to hear and who I want to tell. How come those other people can feel normal without one, and I feel lonely and guiltily needy? I'm torn between forcing myself to become an independent or just admitting my loneliness and becoming bitter.
Why is it that the few people I've met in this world who would fill that gap of loneliness and be that best friend are withheld from me? Either by distance, or unavailability, or other circumstances. It's depressing to know that I have found people who "complete me", and yet I still cannot enjoy that completeness.
Why is it that other people seem to have better fortune in meeting those certain people and not being withheld from them? Or perhaps they are capable of feeling complete with just about anyone.
I don't even know what I want. I'm moving to Halifax in one month. Although I'm not so much moving there as running away from here. Running away from my loneliness and lack of inspiration and my feeling of idleness and dead-endedness. But will I find anything different 6000kms away?
I think I am cursed with a restless heart.