So I had heard tell that my boss was wanting to buy my dressage saddle back. I sent her an email this weekend saying that yes, I would sell it back (given that I could still ride Max in it this summer). I was really anxious to hear back, I wanted to use that money towards the SouthWest Studies trip. So today I found out. She said no. Which, at first, I was disappointed about, but then I decided that it's OK because if I am meant to go on this trip, then there will be other means
I had a lesson on Max this morning, first one of the year on him and I haven't gotten a lesson on anyone since about January. It was totally awesome!!! Max was so so awesome (well, ok, he is ALWAYS awesome, it's just me that has to figure out how to ride). It was seriously so awesome. By the end of the lesson, he was going for REAL for REAL. He's never gone like that before with me, it was the coolest feeling ever!! I had this huge grin on my face while my coach was yelling praises..it was the coolest 5 minutes! Everything just MADE SENSE. It was really cool. 12 years of riding and I can truly say that I've ridden for real for 5 minutes.
I can't even explain it. I've thought that I've ridden properly at times before..but now I KNOW that this morning was really for real.

After I got off Max I thought I was totally insane for ever wanting to sell my saddle. I love that saddle. And I don't want to stop riding!! I want to keep it and keep riding dressage

In the afternoon I went to the college to check to see if the history prof had marked our exams yet (he had). I ended up with the highest mark in the class I can say that with humble pride, knowing that 3 years ago when I first took a history class I thought I was way, way out of my league. It's funny how things change, isn't it?
Anyway, the reason why I was eager to find out what I finished with in history is so that I could go talk to the counsellor and find out if I have another scholarship coming. I got one last semester for having good grades, and I wanted to know if I could expect one again for this semester (the plan was to use this semester's scholarship for the SWS summer program). Well, I do have a scholarship coming, but they're not letting me use it for the summer semester So basically I lose that $1k that I just worked for Ah, well.

Anyway, so at that point, I felt a little deflated. Both of my ideas for funding this trip fell through within a matter of hours. I didn't see how I could possibly go now. I am still in need of $2k for this thing (plus I'd really, really love to buy another lens before going down there so I can actually get some good scenery shots, which'll be another $700).

I met my prof on the way home and he was telling me about all of these scholarships I missed the deadline for and that I'm a total idiot for not applying for them. There is, specifically, a $2500 scholarship that'd be great..you just have to say what you want to become and then have a reference write and say if they think it's attainable. Well, he did a little, er, "lying" for me (yeah, I must admit it's not the first time..), and managed to make it so I can hand in the thing late.

For some reason I'm not totally disappointed about the Arizona thing. I seem to still think that there is a way for me to go, despite both of these things falling through. Right now I'm beginning to think that I should ask my parents for a loan and then just tack it on to the massive student loan I'll be taking out. I'm also thinking rather optimistically about the amount of money I'll be able to make in the next month.
I think, really, I'm beginning to want to go on this thing for real. I'm no longer musing about it with the idea that I can go on it for "free" from scholarship money...now I'm thinking that I'm willing to put myself that much more indebt to go. Why should I even harbour National Geographic-esk dreams if I turn down things like this? Who cares if I've already got my 60 credits and if geology hasn't anything to do with my literature degree?

I'm going. I just figured that out while writing this. I'm going no matter what. There will be a way.

So I don't know what I should do with my saddle. There is an HGS member actively interested in it. I should be happy, yeah?, considering I only put up a thread yesterday! But after my ride today.. I can't help but want to keep it and keep riding. Is that crazy? I think I want everything in life and all at the same time.