HeavenlyJumper's Journal

I copy/pasted this into my thread I made. I will come back with a 'proper blog entry later on.

Heavenly Jumper

Again...another 'bleh' blog from me.

Once a month the guys from Aaron's patrol section get together for a poker night. We've gone twice. There is usually food, music, cards and some drinks.

Last time we brought some food that I made and I had a pretty good time. I don't play, but I do hang out and try to have fun. Mostly I just 'waitress' I make sure the tables stay clean and bring full drinks/take away empties. Honestly, I enjoy making Aaron look good....

Heavenly Jumper

I wanted to talk about how I've been feeling. Sort of desperate...and sad. I notice that there isn't as much happiness in my life right now and what I do have doesn't seem to last long. The sad weighs more and hangs around...

I NEED to find my happy. If I don't the sad will win and I don't want to slip further into a hole that I know is hard as heck to get out of. Why can I hang on to the despair with panther claws but the happiness is slippery in my clumsy hands?...

Heavenly Jumper

Yeah. Apparently I have a drink limit. I am embarrassed to say...that I go from happy/lovey to "this is all your fault" and dumping on Aaron when I have one too many.

I think I just bottle things up sometimes and snap and say things I don't mean...or only sort of mean. Instead of being nice about what I say I get angry and act like a brat. *sigh*

I am embarrassed that I did that. I mean, Aaron had to TELL me some of what I said to him. I think...

Heavenly Jumper

Heavenly Jumper