This started off as a journal entry but it now a thread. I'll post it here anyway....


My trainer is now convinced I need a new horse and Patches is NOT the right horse (already said she knows the perfect one for me)

Today we had our first X-country schooling, don't know if Patches could have been any worse. He had no rhythm in his canter, he was all bouncy, like his stride was really choppy and up and down, then he would get to the jump, stall, then climb over it with a really snappy jump. I tried giving him more energy, I tried picking up his shoulder, I gave him a smack at the base of the jump, but I could hardly stay on over that snappy jump! So hard to stay one let alone have an effective position! At first he didn't like the horses in front of him because then he would get all hot and dance then take off-- jump the jump (barely) then come to a screeching halt. So then we made him go out first so the horses where behind him. He then refused them. I fell off twice. He refused this jump that had a ditch and I flipped over him landing in a ditch. Patches took off w/o me. Then one where he refused and I was getting so angry because this was his 5th refusal on the same fence. I landed on my feet (thankfully). After my second fall I was being secluded from jumping anything higher than 2 feet. It was hard to just sit there watching everyone jump while I could barely stay on over a little log. Like I was sitting on the sidelines.

Every time I ride Patches my trainer says I'm building "character". Some sort of euphemism for how the ending of my ride went. I feel like such a failure, I can't even ride this dang horse!!!! ahhhh, he is sooooo HARD! I said today that I would like to learn more than "character" and she said I'm learning how to jump a horse who has absolutely NO rhythm going into a jump, and exploding over it. Lets just say jumping him is not fun

Now after many a lesson where I come up in tears, she finally breaks and says I need a new event horse. Yeah, like my parents will EVER buy that! I tell me step dad about my little ride and he just laughs a bit and says aww what a bad boy and gives him a pat on the nose People from afar already think I'm spoiled and my mom and brother constantly taunt me with how spoiled I am with two horses. A NEW horse? I didn't say anything to my parents today, that would be suicide, my trainer said she is seriously going to have a sit down with them though. Maybe someone like her will make a dent in their mind, with me they will throw it off immediately accusing me of greediness. She stopped me on the road today (while in my golf cart going to see the pony ) and said she found a horse, an experienced eventer under 10 grand. I kinda laughed, how I wish to have a horse who I can learn to event on! Actually event!! She was serious though and I just said talk to Bill (my step dad). We just got Patches back and spent all this money on him with vet bills and medication and blankets and all new tack and stuff. Bill doesn't understand the riding aspects of it, he thinks if you have a horse, ride it! Don't keep changing around. I don't dare say anything about a new horse...........

I'm switching from the event to a combined training, eliminating cross country. But that leaves dressage, I can't even get his right lead. Let alone do dressage. And our stadium jumping is a wreck, kinda sad to see. I'm working so hard to get him going, trying to make this work because I REALLY want this to work! Amira is out of the question for eventing. But my trainer said some horses just can't go that far...... I think Patches is meant to be a fox hunter where leads don't matter and galloping is plentiful. I don't know, Its so hard to think about it. People say I'm getting to big for Amira, and Amira can never do eventing. She is perfect for low level hunters. Perfect for my sister who's horse is getting too arthritic to jump. So Amira will stay in the family. My trainer says I deserve a horse. I sound so spoiled and greedy... Maybe I could save up for a horse like this? Under ten grand... I have one thousand in the bank. But thats all and I'm not old enough to legally get a job. Though I work all summer and Saturdays for lessons. Where could I find money for a ten thousand dollar horse? Seriously!

My trainer said "You're being put in a Mazaratti(sp?) race with an old broken down pick-up, it's just not possible" Making reference to Patches. She asked about the horse sold down in Kentucky (reason for our Kentucky trip), how much it was sold for. Kind of a random question in the middle of a XC field. I said 80 thousand. She asked how much of a percentage Bill had in that colt. I said 10. She said "well there, he has 8 grand sitting in his pocket, I'm gunna get you a horse. You deserve a horse"........ how could I EVER use that money! I sound like a blood ****** out to get my step dads money! Makes me wanna shoot myself! How could I ever use that mans money! Ahhgggg, I feel like such a greedy child.



Its just hard to see all the girls at the barn with their horses doing the cross country jumps and stadium jumps and fancy dressage-- all high jumps and cantering around the field all controlled. It just hard to see when I keep falling off and being the girl on that horse who everyone feels sorry for when she walks by chasing her run away horse. Its just hard.


Could I really get a new horse? Really give Patches back? Would they take him back? Would my parents EVER agree? Do you think I can event one day? I feel like I want to give up.... like really give up. Do I sound greedy? Wanting a new horse when I just got Patches back? Would they understand that it just didn't work out? My trainer says I'm learning character, learning to ride a crazy man. But she really wants to see me on a horse where I could learn to ride... and learn to event. She says she sees me going so far, but I can't go anywhere with Patches, and Amira cant even take a step into the eventing world. I have so many doubts, but no one to talk to.... sorry guys for spilling it on. I can't talk to my parents till my trainer does (self preservation ) I can't talk to my friends because they have no idea what I'm talking about with horses. And its not just today, all my lessons end up horribly with Patches. People say it was just a bad day, but I why is it that every time I ride him we do horrribly? Making me feeling worse and worse about my riding. I feel like such a bad rider, can't even control him. All this trouble about getting Patches, and now I feel like I'm slapping my step dad in the face.

Like I said, It's just hard.