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Author
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Topic: Funny Riding Explanations!
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XmasAngel98
Member
Member # 99
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posted December 02, 2003 01:44 PM
These are really cute. I don't know who came up with them though...I just had them forwarded to me and thought you all may enjoy them so here they are!
Subject: The Differences in Riding Disciplines Explained
The BackYard Rider:
The backyard rider is usually found wearing shorts and sports bra in
summer, and flannel nightgown, muck boots and down jacket in winter.
Drives a Ford Tempo filled with saddle blankets and dog hair. Most
have deformed toes on one or the other foot from being stepped on in
thin Keds sneakers.
Pulls a two-horse bumper-pull trailer stored behind the barn, used
for hay storage.
Her horse, Snookums, sports a hand-cut (with scissors) bridle path;
duct tape holds a shoe on until the farrier gets by next month.
Overheard frequently: "It's too hot/cold/wet/dry to ride."
The Endurance Rider:
The endurance rider wears Lycra tights in wild neon colors. The
shinier the better, so the EMT's can find her body when her horse
dumps her down a ravine. Wears hiking shoes of some sort, and T- shirts
she got for paying $75 to complete another torturous ride.
Her horse, Al Kamar Shazaam, used to be called "you ******* " until he
found an owner as hyper as he. Can spook at a blowing leaf, spin a
360 and not lose his big trot rhythm or give an inch to the horse
behind him.
Has learned to eat, drink, pee and drop to his resting pulse rate on
command; he has compiled 3,450 AERC miles-- with his rider compiling
3,445-- the missing five miles are the ones when he raced down the
trail without his rider after performing his trademark 360.
Overheard frequently: "Anyone have Advil?" "Anyone got some food? I
think last year's Twinkies finally went bad." "For this pain I spend
money?" "Shazaam, you ******* -- it's just a leaf [thud]!"
The Natural Horsemanship devotee:
The natural horsemanship devotee looks like a throwback from a Texas
ranch, despite the fact that he lives in the suburbs of New Jersey.
Rope coiled loosely in hand in case he needs to herd any of those
kids on roller-blades away from his F-350 dually in the Wal-Mart
parking lot. Cowboy hat strategically placed, and just dirty enough
to look cool. Levi's are well worn.
"Lightning" is, of course, this natural horsemanship guy's horse.
Rescued from a bad home where he was never imprinted or broke in the
natural horsemanship way, he specialized in running down his owners
at feeding time, knocking children off his back on low-hanging
branches, and baring his teeth to look mean.
The hospitalization tally for his previous handlers was 12, until he
was sent to Round Pen Randy; after ten minutes in said pen, he is now
a totally well-broke horse, bowing to the crowd, and can put on his
own splint boots (with R.P.Randy's trademark logo embossed on them).
R.P.R. says, of all this, "Well, shucks ma'am, tweren't
nuthin'!" "It's simple horsemanship." "With this special twirly
flickitatin' rope ($17.95 plus tax), you'll be round-pennin' like me
in no time!"
The Western Pleasure Rider:
The western pleasure rider is starched, bejeweled and has more silver
than the Queen of England. The ladies wear more rhinestones than
Liberace and you can literally go blind watching the Amateur western
pleasure class.
Their horses have to have Zippo, Chococlate Chip, Blazing, or Dynamic
in their name or they aren't worth buying.
Most pleasure horses walk at the jog (what happened to a 2-beat
diagonal gait?) and look like they're impaled on a carousel pole at
the lope, yet they are a "pleasure" to ride.
If the class got any slower the horses & riders would be asleep.
Most of the men look like they're sitting in recliners any way,
reared back & propped up.
Huge spurs with wicked rowels are mandatory for obtaining forward
motion and that "infamous" spur stop. Kind of a contradiction
huh?!?
The Dressage Queen:
The dressage queen is freshly coiffed and dressed.
Diamond stud earrings are elegant and stately, and not so large that
they blind the judge during her passage-piaffe movements. $30 dollar
denim jumper is worn over $300 full-seat white breeches and custom
Koenigs.
Her horse, Fleistergeidelsprundheim ("Fleistergeidel" for short) is a
17.3-hand warmblood who was bred to make Grand Prix in a European
nation where his sellers are still laughing hysterically when they
talk about 'zat crazy American.' Despite being runty, his new owner
fell in love with his lofty gaits, proud carriage and tremendous
athleticism.
Never mind that this talent was not revealed until he was chased by a
rabid fox, and has not been repeated since.
The Hunter / Jumper Competitor:
The hunter/jumper competitor is in a wide-striped polo shirt and
beige breeches.
The polo is so folks will know they're a jumper rider until they put
on their shirt and stock tie.
Baseball cap is mandatory after a ride, in order to exhibit free
advertising for that trainer's stable for which they've forked over a
mere grand or so per month.
Her horse, Neverbeenraced, is a prime example of American
Thoroughbred.
The coat is deep bay, no markings, a textbook TB head (no jowl), and
no unusual conformational characteristics other than crooked legs.
Perfect, just perfect.
The gelding has learned to count strides all by himself, and asks in
midair which lead his mistress would like to land on today.
The Eventer:
The Eventer is always hunched over. Bent forward under the load,
it's from carrying three saddles, three bridles, three bits, and all
related color-coordinated gear to every three-day event on the East
Coast, or it could possibly be a defensive stance for protecting
his/her wallet, which is, of course, nearly empty after buying three
saddles, three bridles, three bits and all that color-coordinated
gear.
Looked down on by the H/J set as "people who just run their horses at
fences" and by the dressage queens as "not pure dressage riders,"
eventers are smugly convinced that they are in fact the only people
in the world who CAN ride, since the H/J's don't jump real fences and
the dressage queens don't ride real horses.
One popular horse, Fastnhighasican, is a Thoroughbred track reject
who had never won (or placed) in a single race. Perfect eventer! He
has two speeds: gallop and stop'n'dump which are used at his
discretion for all three phases of eventing.
His favorite stunt is performed at cross-country water obstacles
where his rider invariably stands up slimed in waist-deep, murky pond
water and threatens to sell him to Fleistergeidel's owner.
Called "Hi-*** " for short, Fastnhighasican delights in another
hilarious speed variation, the imfreeandyoucantcatchmegallop, a real
crowd-pleaser. It brings down the house when he stops and licks the
Crisco off his legs before continuing on to the merciless telephone- pole jump just ahead.
![[Running Horse]](graemlins/horse.gif)
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***Angel & Beauty***
Posts: 345 | From: Indiana | Registered: Feb 2003
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crazi4horses
Member
Member # 690
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posted December 02, 2003 01:53 PM
thats cute
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*Lil Bit~O~Honey*
*Honey's finally home!*
http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?p=6&uid=1892570&
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Onyx~*1960~2003*~
*Onyx, you taught me almost everything i know about riding and im SO glad i did learn on you. I will always love you and miss you little girl!
Posts: 2836 | From: New Hampshire | Registered: Sep 2003
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QHlover
Member
Member # 226
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posted December 03, 2003 01:18 PM
That's hilarious. (But true, except for the NH part. jk) ![[Woot!]](graemlins/woot.gif) ![[Applaud]](graemlins/applaud.gif) ![[Red Horse]](graemlins/redhorse.gif)
P.S. cool new Gremlins!
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"Do what you have to do to get the job done. Be as gentle as possible but as firm as necessary." -Clinton Anderson
Posts: 260 | Registered: May 2003
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AnnaBelle02
Member
Member # 1091
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posted December 03, 2003 01:35 PM
All to true! And the saddest thing is that we each belong to one or more of these groups and still think its(ourselves) funny.
Posts: 745 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Nov 2003
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CANDYGIRL
Member
Member # 719
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posted December 03, 2003 01:40 PM
Angel
That is sooo funny, I know most of it is American related but getting to know the lingo. You could do one on me, commonly know as gypo or Jane with the wellies, hands always covered in some kind of hoof oitment when signing a cheque in the super market, with a trail of mud and muck wherever I go, hay in me knickers from picking his feet out while he's eating his hay, kids embarassed, always being told to stay in the car by husband ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif) , the only one on a girls night out that's got no nails, hard skin and cracks in her hands what catagry would you put that, to me - just sheer devotion.
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NO FOOT NO HORSE
Proud owner of Hollybush Picollo
Posts: 2620 | From: England | Registered: Sep 2003
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Lou3
Member
Member # 926
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posted December 04, 2003 09:56 AM
oh thats soooo funny
we need to make up a few more - to cover the Showing-"expert", ponyclub brat, mounted games rider, barrel racer, jockey, foxhunter and bronc buster! LOL.
Lou
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gypsey gold doesnt gleam or clink, but stomps its feet and nickers in the night.
Posts: 1551 | From: UK | Registered: Oct 2003
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QHGirl
Member
Member # 493
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posted December 04, 2003 12:12 PM
Start making them everyone. They are so funny.
OH NO, I am a little of each of them, and a lot of some!!!
HA HA HA!!!
Hey if we can't laugh at ourselves who can we laugh at... ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
Posts: 1350 | From: Indianapolis | Registered: Jul 2003
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Blistering Winds
Member
Member # 843
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posted December 04, 2003 12:37 PM
I saw some of the others..I'll see what I can find. I like those...I use to be the back-yarder...cept the shoe part...never bothered cause I was too poor and really didn't need them...
SPORTSBRA and EVERYTHING!!!
Cept it was a bonnivile, not a tempo
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Horses should not be treated as people. They should be respected for who they are and what they are capable of doing!
Born Free Now Expensive
Posts: 4337 | From: Texas | Registered: Oct 2003
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